Dough-not

I think we all know what to expect by now, why you're reading this, and why I'm writing this. The exaggerated angry man act is plain for everyone to see. Things annoy me, the words spill out of my brain, I litter it with swears and try to make people laugh until they shit themselves. I sincerely hope none of you shit yourselves. Due to my own stupidity I ate a Double Pepperoni pizza last night, covered in jalapenos and mustard. My intolerance for spicy food is only matched by my ignorant attitude towards it resulting in my own close-call situation. If my toilet had legs it would've packed up and fucked off a long time ago. Probably kicking me in the shin on its way out the door. Things annoy me, things annoy you, but much like the Match.com adverts prove there is a level of annoyance which simply gravitates quickly to another level. There are things out there which seemingly melt your brain in frustration when you see them or hear them. If your brain melted you could simply tilt your head to one side and let it slide out, oh sweet release.

Milligans Bakery stands on the corner of Sunderland Rail Station in the City Centre. It does tremendous cheese pasties. A note to all other bakeries out there; we do not want our cheese pasties in a mixture of fluffy potato. We want them oozing with heart-clogging cheesiness. At £1 a pop they are a cheap handy snack. They even do 2 for £1.85, a 15p saving which is, unlike the pasties themselves, not to be sniffed at. The sniffing is part of a required examination to ensure the pasty is not swimming with hot sperm or hiding a rogue toenail. Not that it would stop me from chomping it down. All the 15p savings will go towards my impending heart surgery in later life when the NHS no longer exists and we all require private healthcare at extortionate prices.

Standing outside Milligans there is a poster. It is of a plump child's face biting down on a sugary doughnut, with the slogan "Go on, treat them". The child looks in ecstasy, like he is poisoned and this treat holds the antidote. It's similar to a man's expression of extreme satisfaction after shooting his load or shooting his cat. I actually had a photo of this poster however my barely awake brain decided to delete it instead of emailing it to my computer. It will come of no surprise to you that I reprimanded myself by shouting "You stupid bastard!". I shouldn't give myself such complicated tasks for 15 minutes after waking up, as it results in mistakes like the time I turned up at work wearing odd shoes. Anyway you get the idea, kids fat face shows inexplicable amount of happiness at sweet food all under the banner of explicit and persuasive instruction to the parent/guardian/Clyde the Orangutan from "Every Which Way but Loose".

This poster annoys me to breaking point. Like I've mentioned before there's a time when sweary tantrums just won't do and all you can muster is a shaking of your head from side to side as you feel your spirit breaking. The kid is obviously fat, like quite a few children nowadays. Lack of exercise, too many distractions like the internet and games and mobile phones, and lazy uneducated parenting has resulted in an epidemic of fatsos. It would be good news for the World's over-population, lowering the average lifespan of a human if it wasn't for the fact that medical advancements mean we can live longer no matter how filthy and horrible we are. The only physical problems we will see is a mass of bad backs from carrying huge coffins to their early graves. I've laboured this point before though, so if you wish to read more on fat kids, put this into your eyeballs:

http://buckshotgeorge.blogspot.co.uk/2012/02/see-saw-that-broke.html

This is more about the slogan that adorns the poster. "Go on, treat them". A parent has been shopping all day with their children in tow, screaming and shouting and knocking things over. Generally acting like titheads to all around the. The parent is at the end of their tether, but then they see the poster. Go on, treat them. This person requires little persuasion, and takes their orders like a good slave. The kids get a "treat" and the parent gets a few minutes peace before it all starts again. The makers of the poster should be fucking ashamed of that slogan. The parents should be ashamed that they are so willingly strong-armed into such a greedy plot. It's fair to say the child is being treated to a life of ridicule and disappointment due to their overweight size and debilitating diabetes.

I would like to be in attendance at that kids funeral. I would rip my own ears off, surgically attach them to the side of my gonads and do an elephant mating dance right in his mother's face. It might not be proving any point that she can draw from but its most definitely what she deserves. Milligans? I hope their offices and bakeries burn to the ground leaving no survivors or remains. Except for those glorious cheese pasties.