Zombies and Vampires. Can't swing a fucking undead cat without hitting one nowadays. Not in actual life, you understand. But on the telly, in books, computer games, the "talkies" at the cinema. Although they have been around for an age it seems pop culture has taken a real liking to them in the 21st century. It's a strange thing to like; Vampires are near invincible undead creatures that feast on us humans, Zombies are near invincible undead creatures that feast on us humans. If they are on a page or behind a TV screen, maybe it's ok for us to be fascinated by them. We are safe on the other side. Or are we? The respective groups are currently most popularly represented by Twilight and The Walking Dead.
Twilight is a love story. It's also fucking shit. It tries to humanise Vampires. I wasn't aware we were being too prejudiced against them? They have unbelievable strength and power and the ability to live forever, but our stories are too cruel and hurt their feelings so why not make them more human in an attempt for the general public to relate to their struggle? The problem there is the humans they are being related to could be replaced by cardboard cutouts with speech bubbles attached showing phrases such as "I'm a miserable cunt", and "Oh look at the new Volvo". The Cullens "cure" Vampires of their urge to kill humans for their blood, teaching them control so they only have to chin animals instead. They sparkle when hit by sunlight. Yes, that's correct. They sparkle in the sunlight. Vampires usually meet a flaming demise when hit by the rays of the sun but here the author thought it would be a bright idea to make them look like a gay disco queen from the 1970's. The Cullens probably have Donna Summer's Greatest Hits on their Pink iPod shuffles. The stupid twats. It's just so fucking bland. Like a clear glass of tap water and a slice of white bread being thrown against a blank canvas.
The Walking Dead on the other hand is a different breed. It takes advantage of what is a tremendous time for serial drama programming. We are fortunate that for every stupid fucking horrible TV Talent show that is made, there is something else out there to watch instead. Because of their length and depth and sheer amount available we have a huge back catalogue of shows we haven't seen. I really do urge you to try one. You will have heard your friends talking about "24" "The Shield" "Dexter", "Twin Peaks", "LOST". Pick one, or any other of the hundreds available, and try it. If all you watch is dumbed down TV for the masses, then you can only expect to become as dumb as them. If you would rather watch Simon Cowell's clay-face say "It's a yes from me" while a Westlife "stand-up key change" plays in the background then please close this page and shut down your computer. Preferably by putting your face through your monitor so the glass blinds you. You really don't deserve the gift of sight.
The Walking Dead is brilliant. Coming from such a rich source material and having such a dedicated fan base it would've been difficult to fuck it up. It has the human element, like Twilight, but gives you characters you actually care about. It puts them in seemingly real life situations. It's not a show about zombies, but rather a show about humans and how we would react if placed in that situation. The pace is slow and builds real tension. It's not just about fighting zombies, it's the feeling that every corner you turn could be your last. Everyone who has seen a monster movie must realise that the feeling of knowing the monster is out there is far scarier than seeing it up close. I concede that zombies are fairly one dimensional and you would struggle to make a TV series based solely on their output. Vampires can talk so they can take an active part in films, such as Twilight, but that doesn't mean they should. Like giving James Corden a microphone, sometimes it will end in tears.
What I take from The Walking Dead, the most gripping real aspect, is the question "what would you do?" How would you survive, really? The thought provoking side of this show leaves you with these questions. Some of the instances are extreme, like being faced with a loved one who has been turned. Could you do the right thing and finish them off? Think about your partner, your children. If you had to could you damage their brain with the first blunt instrument available? It also details the lesser asked questions about your survival, and that is where The Walking Dead shows it's worth! The problem isn't zombies, the problem is other humans. I would like to think that I would help people, I've helped people all my life and pride myself on my outlook. That's not to say that I'm foolish enough to forget that there are some evil people in this World. Like it or not, you would be forced to rely on the kindness of strangers, regardless of whether they enjoyed TV talent shows or not. Actually, if I was given the option of safe haven in a place where all the people wanted to watch TV talent shows I think I would take my chances with the undead.
You can dismiss all of the above though, it's just not going to happen. Is it? Think about how far we have come as a race of people. We can clone animals. We cn put men in outer space. We can create biological warfare. As humans we push ourselves to the very limits of our imaginsations, whether for good or bad. I'm not saying you should prepare yourself, but always remember; Anything can happen.
Monday 7 May 2012
Thursday 3 May 2012
Cat-like. Fat, Like?
I'm unsure who coined the phrase "Cougar". It was probably some daft cunt like Samantha Jones from Sex & The City. Whoever it was, you can probably guess what I would like to do to them; murder them until their teeth fell out. For those unaware in our modern world a Cougar is an older woman, probably 40 something who put her life on hold while she chased a career, using the attentions of men her same age, and older, to her advantage. She is motivated by money, power, greed, and designer accessories. She got to 40 and realised that she was missing the ultimate accessory; a toyboy. Named after the predatory cat (of the same name, funnily enough) she pounces on her young prey and fucks the living shit out of him, possibly without regard for his safety or her dignity.
Lets get one thing abundantly clear; no woman should ever, EVER refer to herself as a Cougar. The term Cougar should be reserved for use by people taking the piss out of the daft old strumpets stupid enough to think of themselves that way. If you think Cougar is a cool, hip way to describe your post-divorce exploits then lets face facts, pet, you're just too fucking old. So old that your tits, face, and arse went South, along with your sense of propriety, a long time ago.
The Cougar is a beautiful feline creature. It is found at the far reaches of the World, using it's cunning and stealth to secure it's targets. A reclusive cat that rarely bothers humans. It sounds and looks like a seriously classy animal, and rare to see in most areas of civilisation.
The "Cougar" you're likely to encounter is a little different. They are likely to be plastered in far too much make-up in an attempt to hide a face that has more cracks than a fist-punched mirror. It's a common animal, most likely drunk and clinging onto the end of a nightclub table or a fucking wass kebab. It uses brash nonsense, a shit sense of humour, and over-powering intimidation to corner it's prey. Most times they will be classy enough to ask you to buy them a drink before dry-humping your leg. Unfortunately they are not a rare sight.
I described a Cougar as a woman of business, which immediately brings images in your brain of a bird with nice clothes, a no-nonsense attitude, and a Mulberry clutch welded to her arm. A bit different to my description of the cougar you're likely to encounter. That's because the term has been twisted. That's correct, a shit term invented by some shit face has been made even shittier. It's now acceptable for any woman over the age of 35 to start describing herself as a Cougar. As you may have gathered, I think it's a term that should be put to bed and shot while it sleeps under the covers. Like an elderly grandparent. However I have to concede that if you are a high-powered, motivated, successful woman who has purposely foregone a life of family and real friends and you happen to have pulled an attractive younger man, it might just be acceptable (by other people, not yourself) for you to be referred to as a Cougar. If you are a 50 year old chain smoking work dodging fatty sitting in your pyjamas, and to rebound from your failed marriage you take advantage of your neighbour's 15 year old son while your 5 kids are at school, a cougar you ain't.
So if women our own age are out desperately trying to ride the pole of a younger man, where does that leave men? We should be thankful. Do you really want to end up with any of the women I have described here? For years men have had to endure the whinging line from women everywhere, "how come when a bloke shags loads of women he's a "legend", but when a woman does it she's a slag?" Aye, trap shut, bint. Now we can respond "how come when an older woman bags a young lad she's a "Cougar", and when I lashed that 17 year old temp from work all over I got a disciplinary reprimand and was labelled a "perv?" Women, you want Cougar? You're going to have to let "Slag" go.
I'm not saying there's anything wrong with the age difference, here. If you are with someone you care about, or even just with someone you have great sex with, then age shouldn't really be a question (within legal limits, I hasten to add). Love can be found in a number of different places. At work, in the supermarket, in a bar, at someone elses wedding. Who's to say that it can't be found in the damp, musty old claptrap of a "Cougar?"
Lets get one thing abundantly clear; no woman should ever, EVER refer to herself as a Cougar. The term Cougar should be reserved for use by people taking the piss out of the daft old strumpets stupid enough to think of themselves that way. If you think Cougar is a cool, hip way to describe your post-divorce exploits then lets face facts, pet, you're just too fucking old. So old that your tits, face, and arse went South, along with your sense of propriety, a long time ago.
The Cougar is a beautiful feline creature. It is found at the far reaches of the World, using it's cunning and stealth to secure it's targets. A reclusive cat that rarely bothers humans. It sounds and looks like a seriously classy animal, and rare to see in most areas of civilisation.
The "Cougar" you're likely to encounter is a little different. They are likely to be plastered in far too much make-up in an attempt to hide a face that has more cracks than a fist-punched mirror. It's a common animal, most likely drunk and clinging onto the end of a nightclub table or a fucking wass kebab. It uses brash nonsense, a shit sense of humour, and over-powering intimidation to corner it's prey. Most times they will be classy enough to ask you to buy them a drink before dry-humping your leg. Unfortunately they are not a rare sight.
I described a Cougar as a woman of business, which immediately brings images in your brain of a bird with nice clothes, a no-nonsense attitude, and a Mulberry clutch welded to her arm. A bit different to my description of the cougar you're likely to encounter. That's because the term has been twisted. That's correct, a shit term invented by some shit face has been made even shittier. It's now acceptable for any woman over the age of 35 to start describing herself as a Cougar. As you may have gathered, I think it's a term that should be put to bed and shot while it sleeps under the covers. Like an elderly grandparent. However I have to concede that if you are a high-powered, motivated, successful woman who has purposely foregone a life of family and real friends and you happen to have pulled an attractive younger man, it might just be acceptable (by other people, not yourself) for you to be referred to as a Cougar. If you are a 50 year old chain smoking work dodging fatty sitting in your pyjamas, and to rebound from your failed marriage you take advantage of your neighbour's 15 year old son while your 5 kids are at school, a cougar you ain't.
So if women our own age are out desperately trying to ride the pole of a younger man, where does that leave men? We should be thankful. Do you really want to end up with any of the women I have described here? For years men have had to endure the whinging line from women everywhere, "how come when a bloke shags loads of women he's a "legend", but when a woman does it she's a slag?" Aye, trap shut, bint. Now we can respond "how come when an older woman bags a young lad she's a "Cougar", and when I lashed that 17 year old temp from work all over I got a disciplinary reprimand and was labelled a "perv?" Women, you want Cougar? You're going to have to let "Slag" go.
I'm not saying there's anything wrong with the age difference, here. If you are with someone you care about, or even just with someone you have great sex with, then age shouldn't really be a question (within legal limits, I hasten to add). Love can be found in a number of different places. At work, in the supermarket, in a bar, at someone elses wedding. Who's to say that it can't be found in the damp, musty old claptrap of a "Cougar?"
Tuesday 1 May 2012
BURDIS SMASH!
If you were given a choice to be who you are right now this very second or a super-hero what would you choose? Bit of an easy question really. I'm assuming everyone thought being a super-hero would be the best choice. Don't get me wrong, I like you. You like you. I bet you're a wonderful person full of happiness and kindness. Maybe you're an absolute fucktard with a brain as useful as mashed sweet potato served with custard. Regardless of whether I like you or not, and whether you have a happy life filled with croissants, fast cars, and big tits you are not a super-hero. None of us are and frankly that's fucking depressing.
Cinema is a great way to escape. Escape your life for just a couple of hours so you don't have to think about work, money, or those little brats you spawned. We sit in front of a big screen and willngly allow colourful pictures and loud noises infiltrate our minds. Few things bring escapism like a good super-hero movie. There have been some good ones. I'm not talking the sort of films that win Oscars, here. I'm talking massive explosions, solid special effects, and some tights-wearing do-gooder bashing baddies for the safety of the World. Where does our fascination stem from?
Initially it's fantasy. You can't look at Iron Man or Wolverine and not think "Oh you fucking mint bastard". Even though Wolverine has hair that looks like it was chopped by Phil the Hacker from Shiney Row. They have charisma, style, and power beyond that of us normals. It's natural to hope that we will one day possess such abilities. Whether it's created by man's inventions (Iron Man's suit, Wolverine's Adamantium Skeleton, Mark Wahlberg's cock in Boogie Nights) or accidental (Peter Parker bitten by a radioactive spider, Bruce Banner smashed by Gamma Rays, the incredibly bland "Fantastic 4") we all wish for a piece of it. Just imagine being able to save the World because you were Captain Fucking Fantastic! Or, for starters, being able to blow up your place of work because no-one could stop you.
Tonight I am going to see The Avengers movie, something a lot of us have looked forward to for quite a few years now since the end credits scene in Iron Man. The build up to the movie has been huge. The four main characters (Iron Man, Captain Man, Hammer Man, and Big Green Bastard Man) already have at least one feature under their respective belts. I can't wait to forget everything and be blinded by a myriad of things getting smashed, jokes being quipped, and Scarlett Johansson's arse. Oh for the love of God I would motorboat her arse until the police arrived. With the 4 main characters, and the ensuing hi-jinx, there will be plenty of fantasy escapism. Is there a human element that grounds the experience?
The Hulk. The big green guy that grows the angrier he gets? Definitely the most human element of The Avengers. Captain America is a cardboard cut-out. Little geeky kid gets turned into a super-soldier to chin Hitler? Dull. Thor is a God King of Valhalla and wouldn't have even travelled to Earth if he didn't lose his hammer. Most people keep theirs in a toolbox, mate, sort your fucking gash out. Iron Man is amazing. He's a tech geek who builds epic inventions in his basement, but is also very comfortable being the centre of attention. As likeable as he is, you can't relate to that on a human level. Bruce Banner, on the other hand, just wants to be left alone. He wants to go about his business without being disturbed. His power is a burden, something which starts beyond his control but he's trying, he's trying hard, man. When his buttons are pressed, he becomes even more human. You're driving your car and someone cuts across your lane without indicating, you will probably flash your lights, beep your horn, shout expletives. That's The Hulk trying to get out. Playing your xbox and a cold-caller knocks at your door to ask if you've been injured in the last 5 years? "Nah mate, but I was just about to go for 30 kills so I think I might be injuring my fist on your balls". That's The Hulk again. You're at McDonalds spending a tenner on food, and you want a little pot of ketchup, the dungfuck behind the counter says "that'll be 5p". Oi toss! I just spent what you would earn in 2 hours on a fucking burger and you want 5p for an obscenely tiny pot of sauce? The anger builds, you grow uncontrollably ripping all of your clothes. The pain is unfathomable as your bones shift shapes to compensate for your growing size. You turn green. Your fists are now the size of horses and the rage clouding your brain means you only have the capability of shouting "BURDIS SMASH" before you demolish McDonalds in Barmston, and everyone inside. OK, maybe that's a stretch.
I'm saying The Hulk is the most human, but no matter how big he gets his trousers always fit and turn purple. That's voodoo shit right there!
Cinema is a great way to escape. Escape your life for just a couple of hours so you don't have to think about work, money, or those little brats you spawned. We sit in front of a big screen and willngly allow colourful pictures and loud noises infiltrate our minds. Few things bring escapism like a good super-hero movie. There have been some good ones. I'm not talking the sort of films that win Oscars, here. I'm talking massive explosions, solid special effects, and some tights-wearing do-gooder bashing baddies for the safety of the World. Where does our fascination stem from?
Initially it's fantasy. You can't look at Iron Man or Wolverine and not think "Oh you fucking mint bastard". Even though Wolverine has hair that looks like it was chopped by Phil the Hacker from Shiney Row. They have charisma, style, and power beyond that of us normals. It's natural to hope that we will one day possess such abilities. Whether it's created by man's inventions (Iron Man's suit, Wolverine's Adamantium Skeleton, Mark Wahlberg's cock in Boogie Nights) or accidental (Peter Parker bitten by a radioactive spider, Bruce Banner smashed by Gamma Rays, the incredibly bland "Fantastic 4") we all wish for a piece of it. Just imagine being able to save the World because you were Captain Fucking Fantastic! Or, for starters, being able to blow up your place of work because no-one could stop you.
Tonight I am going to see The Avengers movie, something a lot of us have looked forward to for quite a few years now since the end credits scene in Iron Man. The build up to the movie has been huge. The four main characters (Iron Man, Captain Man, Hammer Man, and Big Green Bastard Man) already have at least one feature under their respective belts. I can't wait to forget everything and be blinded by a myriad of things getting smashed, jokes being quipped, and Scarlett Johansson's arse. Oh for the love of God I would motorboat her arse until the police arrived. With the 4 main characters, and the ensuing hi-jinx, there will be plenty of fantasy escapism. Is there a human element that grounds the experience?
The Hulk. The big green guy that grows the angrier he gets? Definitely the most human element of The Avengers. Captain America is a cardboard cut-out. Little geeky kid gets turned into a super-soldier to chin Hitler? Dull. Thor is a God King of Valhalla and wouldn't have even travelled to Earth if he didn't lose his hammer. Most people keep theirs in a toolbox, mate, sort your fucking gash out. Iron Man is amazing. He's a tech geek who builds epic inventions in his basement, but is also very comfortable being the centre of attention. As likeable as he is, you can't relate to that on a human level. Bruce Banner, on the other hand, just wants to be left alone. He wants to go about his business without being disturbed. His power is a burden, something which starts beyond his control but he's trying, he's trying hard, man. When his buttons are pressed, he becomes even more human. You're driving your car and someone cuts across your lane without indicating, you will probably flash your lights, beep your horn, shout expletives. That's The Hulk trying to get out. Playing your xbox and a cold-caller knocks at your door to ask if you've been injured in the last 5 years? "Nah mate, but I was just about to go for 30 kills so I think I might be injuring my fist on your balls". That's The Hulk again. You're at McDonalds spending a tenner on food, and you want a little pot of ketchup, the dungfuck behind the counter says "that'll be 5p". Oi toss! I just spent what you would earn in 2 hours on a fucking burger and you want 5p for an obscenely tiny pot of sauce? The anger builds, you grow uncontrollably ripping all of your clothes. The pain is unfathomable as your bones shift shapes to compensate for your growing size. You turn green. Your fists are now the size of horses and the rage clouding your brain means you only have the capability of shouting "BURDIS SMASH" before you demolish McDonalds in Barmston, and everyone inside. OK, maybe that's a stretch.
I'm saying The Hulk is the most human, but no matter how big he gets his trousers always fit and turn purple. That's voodoo shit right there!
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