If you were given a choice to be who you are right now this very second or a super-hero what would you choose? Bit of an easy question really. I'm assuming everyone thought being a super-hero would be the best choice. Don't get me wrong, I like you. You like you. I bet you're a wonderful person full of happiness and kindness. Maybe you're an absolute fucktard with a brain as useful as mashed sweet potato served with custard. Regardless of whether I like you or not, and whether you have a happy life filled with croissants, fast cars, and big tits you are not a super-hero. None of us are and frankly that's fucking depressing.
Cinema is a great way to escape. Escape your life for just a couple of hours so you don't have to think about work, money, or those little brats you spawned. We sit in front of a big screen and willngly allow colourful pictures and loud noises infiltrate our minds. Few things bring escapism like a good super-hero movie. There have been some good ones. I'm not talking the sort of films that win Oscars, here. I'm talking massive explosions, solid special effects, and some tights-wearing do-gooder bashing baddies for the safety of the World. Where does our fascination stem from?
Initially it's fantasy. You can't look at Iron Man or Wolverine and not think "Oh you fucking mint bastard". Even though Wolverine has hair that looks like it was chopped by Phil the Hacker from Shiney Row. They have charisma, style, and power beyond that of us normals. It's natural to hope that we will one day possess such abilities. Whether it's created by man's inventions (Iron Man's suit, Wolverine's Adamantium Skeleton, Mark Wahlberg's cock in Boogie Nights) or accidental (Peter Parker bitten by a radioactive spider, Bruce Banner smashed by Gamma Rays, the incredibly bland "Fantastic 4") we all wish for a piece of it. Just imagine being able to save the World because you were Captain Fucking Fantastic! Or, for starters, being able to blow up your place of work because no-one could stop you.
Tonight I am going to see The Avengers movie, something a lot of us have looked forward to for quite a few years now since the end credits scene in Iron Man. The build up to the movie has been huge. The four main characters (Iron Man, Captain Man, Hammer Man, and Big Green Bastard Man) already have at least one feature under their respective belts. I can't wait to forget everything and be blinded by a myriad of things getting smashed, jokes being quipped, and Scarlett Johansson's arse. Oh for the love of God I would motorboat her arse until the police arrived. With the 4 main characters, and the ensuing hi-jinx, there will be plenty of fantasy escapism. Is there a human element that grounds the experience?
The Hulk. The big green guy that grows the angrier he gets? Definitely the most human element of The Avengers. Captain America is a cardboard cut-out. Little geeky kid gets turned into a super-soldier to chin Hitler? Dull. Thor is a God King of Valhalla and wouldn't have even travelled to Earth if he didn't lose his hammer. Most people keep theirs in a toolbox, mate, sort your fucking gash out. Iron Man is amazing. He's a tech geek who builds epic inventions in his basement, but is also very comfortable being the centre of attention. As likeable as he is, you can't relate to that on a human level. Bruce Banner, on the other hand, just wants to be left alone. He wants to go about his business without being disturbed. His power is a burden, something which starts beyond his control but he's trying, he's trying hard, man. When his buttons are pressed, he becomes even more human. You're driving your car and someone cuts across your lane without indicating, you will probably flash your lights, beep your horn, shout expletives. That's The Hulk trying to get out. Playing your xbox and a cold-caller knocks at your door to ask if you've been injured in the last 5 years? "Nah mate, but I was just about to go for 30 kills so I think I might be injuring my fist on your balls". That's The Hulk again. You're at McDonalds spending a tenner on food, and you want a little pot of ketchup, the dungfuck behind the counter says "that'll be 5p". Oi toss! I just spent what you would earn in 2 hours on a fucking burger and you want 5p for an obscenely tiny pot of sauce? The anger builds, you grow uncontrollably ripping all of your clothes. The pain is unfathomable as your bones shift shapes to compensate for your growing size. You turn green. Your fists are now the size of horses and the rage clouding your brain means you only have the capability of shouting "BURDIS SMASH" before you demolish McDonalds in Barmston, and everyone inside. OK, maybe that's a stretch.
I'm saying The Hulk is the most human, but no matter how big he gets his trousers always fit and turn purple. That's voodoo shit right there!
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