Cat-like. Fat, Like?

I'm unsure who coined the phrase "Cougar". It was probably some daft cunt like Samantha Jones from Sex & The City. Whoever it was, you can probably guess what I would like to do to them; murder them until their teeth fell out. For those unaware in our modern world a Cougar is an older woman, probably 40 something who put her life on hold while she chased a career, using the attentions of men her same age, and older, to her advantage. She is motivated by money, power, greed, and designer accessories. She got to 40 and realised that she was missing the ultimate accessory; a toyboy. Named after the predatory cat (of the same name, funnily enough) she pounces on her young prey and fucks the living shit out of him, possibly without regard for his safety or her dignity.

Lets get one thing abundantly clear; no woman should ever, EVER refer to herself as a Cougar. The term Cougar should be reserved for use by people taking the piss out of the daft old strumpets stupid enough to think of themselves that way. If you think Cougar is a cool, hip way to describe your post-divorce exploits then lets face facts, pet, you're just too fucking old. So old that your tits, face, and arse went South, along with your sense of propriety, a long time ago.

The Cougar is a beautiful feline creature. It is found at the far reaches of the World, using it's cunning and stealth to secure it's targets. A reclusive cat that rarely bothers humans. It sounds and looks like a seriously classy animal, and rare to see in most areas of civilisation.

The "Cougar" you're likely to encounter is a little different. They are likely to be plastered in far too much make-up in an attempt to hide a face that has more cracks than a fist-punched mirror. It's a common animal, most likely drunk and clinging onto the end of a nightclub table or a fucking wass kebab. It uses brash nonsense, a shit sense of humour, and over-powering intimidation to corner it's prey. Most times they will be classy enough to ask you to buy them a drink before dry-humping your leg. Unfortunately they are not a rare sight.

I described a Cougar as a woman of business, which immediately brings images in your brain of a bird with nice clothes, a no-nonsense attitude, and a Mulberry clutch welded to her arm. A bit different to my description of the cougar you're likely to encounter. That's because the term has been twisted. That's correct, a shit term invented by some shit face has been made even shittier. It's now acceptable for any woman over the age of 35 to start describing herself as a Cougar. As you may have gathered, I think it's a term that should be put to bed and shot while it sleeps under the covers. Like an elderly grandparent. However I have to concede that if you are a high-powered, motivated, successful woman who has purposely foregone a life of family and real friends and you happen to have pulled an attractive younger man, it might just be acceptable (by other people, not yourself) for you to be referred to as a Cougar. If you are a 50 year old chain smoking work dodging fatty sitting in your pyjamas, and to rebound from your failed marriage you take advantage of your neighbour's 15 year old son while your 5 kids are at school, a cougar you ain't.

So if women our own age are out desperately trying to ride the pole of a younger man, where does that leave men? We should be thankful. Do you really want to end up with any of the women I have described here? For years men have had to endure the whinging line from women everywhere, "how come when a bloke shags loads of women he's a "legend", but when a woman does it she's a slag?" Aye, trap shut, bint. Now we can respond "how come when an older woman bags a young lad she's a "Cougar", and when I lashed that 17 year old temp from work all over I got a disciplinary reprimand and was labelled a "perv?" Women, you want Cougar? You're going to have to let "Slag" go.

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with the age difference, here. If you are with someone you care about, or even just with someone you have great sex with, then age shouldn't really be a question (within legal limits, I hasten to add). Love can be found in a number of different places. At work, in the supermarket, in a bar, at someone elses wedding. Who's to say that it can't be found in the damp, musty old claptrap of a "Cougar?"