Hallelujah!

Over the course of music history there have been some fairly messed up songs, lyrics that seem to be from the darkest part of somebody's very soul. NWA openly discussing raping people, and "busting a cap" in rivals. Rihanna going to horrid lengths to let us know how much she likes rough sex. Mr Blobby going fucking beserk. There is one song that would never cross your mind if I asked you what other songs belong in this category. A song that includes witchcraft, death on an unprecedented scale, and a non-consensual sex orgy with meteorologically maimed disablococks bringing about the end of days.

"It's Raining Men" by The Weathergirls.

"Tonight for the first time, just about half past ten. For the first time in history, it's gonna start raining men".

It's a frightening thought. Human bodies falling from the sky. Just imagine you're a bloke sitting around at work, or at home, at a football match or your wife's funeral. Some unknown force grabs you and starts raising you up to the heavens. Surely one of the thoughts in your scared little brain would be "how am I going to get down?". That's ok, the weathergirls have it covered! Ever been caught out in the rain and know how shit that is? Imagine you get caught out in the rain because you are the rain. Millions of bodies crashing towards earth, some screaming, some content in the thought that this really is a canny way to go. It's bloody awful. Who would want that? A couple of horny females who can't get their leg over any other way.

"According to all sources, the street is the place to go".

Which sources? The Met Office? Although weather of many different types can be predicted throughout the World I'm as sure as a shit sandwich that no technology could predict the fall of man from the sky. It is my belief that the weathergirls are dealing in some dark witchcraft to satisfy their lust-filled vah jay jays. They even "predict" the time of this event, although try and throw us off the scent saying "it'll be around about half past, maybe quarter to 10".

Why, knowing that large objects would be falling from the sky, would the streets be the place to go? Surely there's a fair chance you would be crushed to pieces? When rain falls it is easily blown about. The force it hits you, I'm assuming, is caused by strong gusts of wind. It can sting a little. There are recordings of hailstones the size of Andre the Giant's kneecaps hurtling down from the sky. I think most followers of gravity, which I'm proposing we are, would agree that the heavier the object and the length in which it falls contributes to it's velocity towards impact. I'm a little over 15 stone. If I fell from the sky it's likely that my falling speed would reach a little over 3 billions miles per hour. If I landed on the streets, being "the place to go" I would no doubt smash a few women on the way to my death.

So where are the weathergirls in all of this? After encouraging all the women of the World to head out without their umbrellas, and the men of the World falling from the sky, it's safe to assume that the World's population will be wiped out very quickly. The laws of probability suggest that there would be a few survivors but they would certainly be mangled from toe to tuchus. That is where the weathergirls come back in. With their competition wiped out, and men no longer capable of turning them down they appear to exact swift revenge through a storm of cocks. Which were probably bent sideways when they impacted with the ground. No doubt gleeful that their plan has worked no amount of witchcraft can distract them or save them from themselves. They jump anything still breathing, or still warm. They forget to eat, sleep, breathe. They die with a smile on their faces, and jizz up their nostrils.

What we have is a vicious sex plan disguised as a harmless slut-anthem that brings about the apocalypse.

And you thought it was just a song.