Many things annoy me. Not winning the lottery. Idiot drivers who don't indicate at roundabouts. The fact my dishes won't wash themselves. I could easily fill a page with everything that annoys me, the page itself would be the length of the entire universe, and I could still continue over onto the other side. I will shout expletives, I will make an angry face and probably gesture wildly, like some sort of mad clown played by Tim Curry. The majority of annoyances will be petty, the sort of thing you shouldn't really get mad about. There are some annoyances which take you further than anger. It's a feeling that is difficult to describe. Like you've bashed your head into a brick wall for so long that there's no head left, just bits of skin flopping around your neck by the time you realise that no amount of cranial torture will make a difference. Have you ever been so annoyed that the anger just stays in your stomach? You close your eyes, mutter to yourself in disbelief. You know this feeling cannot be resolved by shouting, punching, or indeed, smashing your head into a wall.
This feeling is reserved solely for the match.com advert. The one with the twat and his twatty small guitar at the train station.
Make no mistake, this is the most annoying piece of anything that has ever, ever been brought into the World. If you haven't seen it I suggest you do, only because I am going to write about it and it'll probably help. I apologise for bringing it upon your person. *Please note that the advert on youtube is a full minute long, the advert you've probably seen on the telly is a shorter version.
The video is posted on youtube by ukmatch, the description reading "This is a classic tale of boy meets girl to remind us all what it feels like to meet someone you're attracted to for the first time". Except it's not. It's an advert to encourage people to use match.com because they can't talk to people in real life. It's a tool to get your website more traffic and subscribers. It burns into my very soul. It is not, and never will be a "classic" tale of boy meets girl. Such praise is reserved for greatness, like When Harry Met Sally, The Wedding Singer, and The Terminator.
The description also lets us know that the song featured "She Began to Dance" by Matthew P is available to download on iTunes. I had to fight every urge not to break my fingers so I couldn't type that sentence. It's fortunate that the song is on iTunes and not available on CD. If it were I would have to spend all my money on buying every copy in existence, snap them in half and throw them into the fiery pit of Mount Doom. The song is so bad I would even apologise to Sauron on my way out, "Soz mate, I know your fiery belly should be reserved for such items as the One ring, but I couldn't take a risk by disposing of this shit by any other means. To be fair you're just a big eye on a tower so I fancied my chances of getting away with it. Taraaaaa". Also worth noting that his surname is only an initial, the calling card of an absolute cunt. Like Jessie J, Diddy P, and Anthony B. His surname is quite likely "Piss". In my head, it is.
I encourage you to watch this advert, and I shall continue in the near future.
They expect us to believe that the advert depicts the first time they meet? So he just carries his ukulele around with him on the off chance that he finds a bird that looks like she'll fall for his schmaltzy shite? That's even more depressing.
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