There was a time when a Bard was considered a noble trade. Usually employed by Monarchs and Lords of significant standing in Society they would document historical happenings, stories of heroic proportion. The most famous is William Shakespeare, known as "The Bard". His stories have been performed time and again, many of which are the template for the Hollywood blockbusters we are used to seeing at our local cinemas. I never met Shakespeare, most likely because he died a long time before I was born. My own personal experience of Bards can be attributed to video games, such as the Fable and Elder Scrolls series. Go into any settlement situated in the vast landscapes of Albion or Oblivion, or Skyrim and it's likely that these annoying bastards will show up, Lutes at the ready, to sing songs of your exploits in the game. All you want is to sell your drops (weapons, potions), collect provisions and a few new missions, and head back out into the dungeons to chin some evil necromancers, trolls, or possessed skeletons. However these fuckers will follow you around with their weird shaped guitars intent on ruining your experience. This usually resolves itself when you smash them over the head with a level 61 enchanted mace. Coincidentally this is exactly what I would like to do to the guy from the match.com advert.
His little laugh. Never has the sound of laughter made me grit my teeth so much. "She was a natural blonde" he sings, the girl on the platform smiled but shook her head, prompting him to retort "she wasn't a natural blonde, but that's what made him fond of her". His little laugh while singing the above line makes me want to curl up into a ball and cry. Not with sadness, but with sheer unabated frustration. His faux-embarrassment is betrayed by his smugness. His smugness disguising his true thoughts of whether the hair on her fanny is as dark as the roots showing from the base of her skull. I bet they are dark, as dark as his own thoughts captured by this mirthless chuckle.
Apparently the fact that she wasn't a natural blonde is what made him fond of her. Why, exactly? Many things make me fond of a woman. Finding what I say to be amusing enough to raise a smile. A caring attention to detail. And a great pair of tits. But never the fact that she dies her hair. It turns out that the gimp with the guitar puts about as much attention into what attracts him to a woman as he does his utterly shite lyrics.
As we have noticed many things about this advertisement annoy me, and probably you. Nothing, however, breeds more resentment and overwhelming disappointment than it's conception. The premise that this supposedly represents the feeling of a first meeting with a potential partner. The premise that this could actually work. Lets see what it actually looks like written down.
A young man is standing at a train station carrying a ukulele. He notices a girl on the opposite platform sitting, waiting for her train, generally minding her own business. He catches her attention by beginning a song. The song itself is a tragic effort as he fails to correctly guess her age or hair colour. The daft cunt. As a train impedes their eye line, the young man sits down, deflated that his plan to woo this girl failed. As the camera turns we see she is sitting next to him. It actually fucking worked!
If you are stupid enough to believe this as a possibility then I encourage you to try it. Hang around a train station, sing a song to a nice looking girl and see what happens. I can guarantee she will flee, terrified that this psycho might just follow her home, stalking her while wielding his little guitar as a weapon. A little guitar which probably houses the little finger forcibly removed from a previous victim. You will scare people, and most likely end up being arrested. And rightly so, you absolute berk.
One of the greatest feelings in life is meeting someone special for the first time. It's sheer exhilaration. It's nervousness, the seemingly true possibility that the butterflies in your stomach might turn into giant dragons and rip you to shreds on the inside. It's the excitement of rolling the dice, an opportunity to meet someone you may want to spend the rest of your days with. It's the feeling of success when you grab her by the hand, delicately touching her soft skin, and she doesn't take it away. It's the feeling of love when you tentatively lean in for a first kiss and you smell the lightly applied foundation on her face for the first time.
I simply refuse to let this advert, this stinking rag of lies, let us down so badly.
There was a young man at a train station. He spots a pretty girl on the opposite side of the platform. He is not carrying a ukulele with him, because that's just fucking weird and this young man is not weird, he's just a normal person like you. And possibly me. He catches her eye, but looks away almost immediately, knowing that nothing scares a girl away quicker than a stranger intently staring at her, like a hunter stalking it's prey. A few seconds later they catch a glance once more. This time he offers a polite, warm smile, still not holding his gaze for too long. She smiles back. They share a moment, a moment of intrigue, of safety, of a mutual understanding. The train pulls up to the platform, and the girl gets on. He may never see her again but he is fulfilled by the knowledge that he may have brightened her day, just a little. As she had brightened his the same. "The girl on the platform smiled" he said quietly to himself. "It was the best smile I've seen in a while".
This, my friends, is what happens in the real World.
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