I watched Apocalypse Now simply because I was meant to. It's one of those films that is heralded as a classic, a must-see, a fixture in the "Top 100 films to see before you die". Probably. I didn't enjoy it. While certain scenes are truly epic, it ran too long for my short attention span, and I didn't feel any emotional involvement. For me, at least, it wasn't very memorable.
One part I do remember is when we catch up with Colonel Kurtz, and he has obviously gone mental. Not surprising really, as he was played by Marlon Brando who was mental in real life. More mental than a clown played by Tim Curry. He utters the famous line "the horror, the horror". Many believe he is describing what he has witnessed, a truly bloody conflict. In fact, he simply had a premonition of the match.com advert. Featuring the World's most annoying person singing the World's most annoying song.
The advert is so annoying it makes me want to punch a gerbil to death. I would feel really bad afterwards, probably while cleaning gerbil brain from my still clenched fist. And it's all match.com's fault. They made me kill a gerbil in my head. That's not a safe thought to have, the thought of me pulverising a gerbil then feeling rotten about it afterwards. I should be feeling happy, happy to have finished work for the day. Happy that I ate a very nice home-cooked pasta dish, and watched 40 minute of "The Two Towers". But no, I'm haunted by thoughts of a lifeless gerbil, flattened by my own hand. It's all match.com's fault. The horror, the horror.
Who carries a ukulele with them? Really? I have never in my whole life seen anyone, anywhere carrying a tiny guitar around with them. Bearing in mind I live just outside of Sunderland, a place where you can see a man rave dancing to himself without headphones while reciting excerpts from The Bible. Turn another corner and you can see a silver-haired man resembling a shiny mine-pony escorting his many bags to and from sets of public seats. But never a ukulele. Never a ukulele.
Let's be clear. Anyone who carries a guitar with them, of any size, around a train station is either a busker or a cunt. The match.com guy fell out of the cunt tree and hit every branch on the way down, landing firmly in Cunt Train Station. And what is the one thing a cunt with a guitar does to further annoy you? He plays a fucking annoying song.
The song itself is a veritable whirlwind of unimagination. The tail end of a whirlwind. It's seen better days, smashing up people's houses and chinning livestock, but now it's just slowly giving up as it becomes the size and sound of a particularly weak fart. The best he can do is rhyme "smile" with "while" and fill sentences with the word "really" over and over again. His voice croaks along like a frog that's lost it's will to live. He looks like the "idiots" that Dan Ashcroft so valiantly fights against. The girl is incredibly non-descript, so non-descript that is the best I could come up with.
The above is a clear explanation why this nonsense is the most annoying thing on the planet. There are two more things, and I will leave them til next time.
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