I was sitting in my car waiting for someone to show up and view a flat. A day old bottle of juice was my only sustenance, and while it wasn't exactly cold it was still wet enough to drink. Like most bottled juices. You've seen the scene in Jurassic Park, the introduction of the monstrous and terrifying T-Rex. It was happening right here, in the middle of a Sunderland housing estate. Loud thunderous footsteps getting closer. The sound alone is enough to scare you into eating your underwear just so you don't do a big shit in it. I look over to my juice which is rippling in time with each sound, getting louder, getting closer. I turn my head to see a massive creature waddling towards me. It wasn't a dinosaur though. School had just finished and the children were escaping. Great big fat children, salivating at the thought of getting home so their parent can take them to KFC.
It is a serious problem. Kids are fat. Not just fat, unhumanly fucking obese. So obese they should have another word created just to describe their massive form. Jabbarific! However the only Hut these poor uneducated fat bastards are aware of is "Pizza".
I would like to point out at this time I am fully aware that the Hutt race from Star Wars ends with double T. I simply dropped the T in a previous sentence for humour purposes.
Where does the blame lie? America, that's where. The good old US of States. The Land of the Free, and Fucking Huge. We follow them everywhere. Their trends. Their ungodly excuse for RnB music. Home to the most famous and powerful people in the World. We once even followed them to War. Can you believe that? It used to be a running joke. The Americans would mock our horrible teeth and over-drinking of tea. In turn we could always respond with "So what, fat twat". Not anymore.
It's easy to blame other people. Forget something in the shopping? Well it's your partner's fault for not putting it on the list. Relationship breakdown? Well it's her fault she slept with the neighbour's lawnmower. Kids getting fat? Yeah, well they don't put health warnings on a lot of fast food. Excuses. Lets be clear.
It is your fault. If you have a fat child no-one else is to blame but you. You have no self control, especially when it comes to your children. Kids want a bag of crisps or some chocolate from the cupboard? "They would only throw a tantrum if I didn't let them". Kids want a machine gun? "Well they have to defend themselves from paedophiles". Kids want a McDonalds? "A Happy Meal isn't going to hurt them". One Happy Meal will not hurt them at all. 5 a week, you start to see a big difference when all of a sudden they are fitting into your trousers. Then the only people that are happy is the Devil that pops up on your left shoulder, laughing at your inept parenting skills. The same Devil that slept with your wife and killed your cat, the bastard. The other person laughing, maniacally might I add, is that fucking clown. So addictive is McDonalds that we will gladly take in images of an evil looking beast donned in red and yellow, while chuffing a McFatto Speciale down our wedgepipes.
It's just a sign of sheer laziness. I see the hordes slowly dragging their feet towards the local chip shop. Instead of having a nice sandwich made for them they are fighting to the front of the queue for a Kebab Butty covered in curry sauce. If you're a parent who can't be arsed to get yourself out of your pyjama bottoms, you're certainly not going to help your child's healthy lifestyle.
The takeaway culture we live in doesn't help mind. Pallion front street used to be a community of local grocers, bakers, fine shops occupied by fine people. It's now like a ghost town. A ghost town inhabited by fat people and takeaway shops. In a stretch of no more than 200 metres there is a Subway, Pizza Hut, Dominos, 2 other lesser known pizza shops, a Chinese takeaway, an Indian takeaway, a chip shop, some KFC rip-off, and I'm pretty sure there's a Greggs too. It is a North East rule that if you turn your head and can't see a Greggs in every direction, you're not in the North East of England.
Why not blame video games and mobile phones while were rolling. I never see kids playing out in the street anymore. Part of me is glad because I'm now a sour-faced grown-up, but a small part of me disappointed. Why bother going out when you can just text a friend, or speak to them over Xbox Live. It'll get to a point where we can't read human emotion on each others faces, unless we tattoo a winking smiley face to our foreheads. My summers were spent running around like a bell-end with my mates, and I would be climbing trees and trying to finger lasses til I had to be dragged to bed. Every kid should experience it.
I might seem quite scathing about people who care for children. I'm not ever sure I will be part of your group. But as an outsider it seems blatantly obvious that you are the only people who can make a difference. There will come a point where they will stop "growing into" themselves and just become another obese adult. Eventually we will be over-populated my large humans that are collectively heavier than the Sun, and our country will sink. People will lament in future years of how the British Isles simply disappeared under the ocean, leaving nothing but a slew of wet and empty Big Mac cartons.
Do you really want that?
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