The second part. That's how shit Facebook really is. A moderately educated mong can write 2 separate pieces on why it's the worst place on Earth. Fred West's back garden? Facebook is worse. The Dead Marshes of Middle-Earth? A delightful place in comparison to Facebook. That part of your brain which visualizes your partner cheating on you with a friend, a recurring thought that you can't even dispose of with a mind-screwdriver? Much rather be spending my time there than on "Facey".
I am not above my own comments, I am not above my own ridicule. I can never over-state this point enough. In fact, by writing this off-the-cuff guff I am just highlighting my own shortcomings. Facebook is addictive. Barely 30 minutes goes by when I don't refresh my timeline, comment on someone's status, or post some pithy nonsense littered with swearwords because, you know, I'm fucking mint and that. Let me remind you, "The idiots are everywhere...and I'm the worst one". Facebook is indeed addictive, but so is crack. How long before our thoughts are "Well, updated the shit out of that status. Time to hit the pipe".
Check Ins
Beautiful. If you check in from a made up place. Like the time I "checked in" at "Yer Ma's Knicker Basket". It doesn't exist, and if it does I've never been there. I know for certain it's not on the street in Sunderland where I placed it's location. Reading that Billy Pissface checked in at Nando's is not beautiful. It's dull. More dull than people who quote Frankie Boyle, daft cunts. Create somewhere, somewhere that doesn't exist anywhere but your own imagination, and check in. It'll be fun, I promise.
There's also something sinister about knowing where people are all the time. In 5 years time TV will be non-existent. We shall simply be following each other around, chasing to points where people check in and watching them eat chicken. You see, we all lost our jobs because we became obsessed with where people were all of the time, and now chicken is unattainable. We watch you eat chicken. And you like it.
Work Friends
Continuing with another version of sinister spying. People have lost jobs because of Facebook. Not just the stupid bastards who decided to complain about how shit their job is, while knowing their boss can see it. They deserve it, kind of. Your future employers have people trained to look at your social media output to see if you are a suitable candidate for a given position. All them photos of you downing shots of Jager, vomiting on a priest's shoes, eating a live deer? Yep, that's why you didn't get that promotion. Would it have happened before Facebook? Of course not. You could've wiped that deer blood from the side of your mouth seconds before a job interview and nobody would be any wiser. Except for the receptionist who had to remove a deer carcass from the lobby. She wouldn't say anything though, you could just eat her when successfully in your new post.
Notifications After "Liking" or Posting a Comment
You have 15 new notifications! My Christ! At long last popularity has been charitable in my favour! No, wait, 15 schleps have commented on a status I commented on earlier. Someone posts a semi-interesting or amusing status update, you comment or "like" it. In a matter of minutes a colossal barrage of idiots will appear on your newsfeed. Your comment could've been a work of brilliance, but now you have to weather the pain of other peoples mind-crushingly poor attempts at humour, intelligence, spelling and grammar. And for fucks sake do not leave a comment on a good-looking girl's status because every meat-head, computer-perv, and friend-zoned effort will be hitting your notification bar like it's going out of fashion. Oh for the love of Sauron and all his minions, please let it go out of fashion.
"Friends"
Lets be friends. Be honest, how many people have you contacted recently on your Facebook friends list? I bet less than 10. I'm never wrong. Ever avoided someone in a supermarket, or a bookshop, or an abattoir and then realised they are actually your "friend" on Facebook? I have people on my friends list, no fucking clue of how they got there. Did they sneak on while I was sleeping, or distracted by a large pie? The only legitimate reasons for adding someone on Facebook are:
1. You know them, you have a quality rapport and wish to explore this further.
2. You really want to have sex with them.
Yet we add everyone. Someone we met at a party once that said hello? You have 1 new friend request. Someone from school you never spoke to, had nothing in common with, and have even less in common with now? You have 1 new friend request. The person you stumbled into as you both watched a couple frantically going at it in an open dogging session? Friend request declined.
90% of people on Facebook are not your friends. They aren't even people. It's just a list of names, mis-represented by profile pictures that make them look more attractive/interesting/fun than what they actually are, collected like Top Trumps.
Anthony Burdis
Profile Pic - 8 (a clearly false 8, does not look anything like that)
Personality - 7 (grossly exaggerated to make himself seem interesting)
Cock Size - 0 (accurate)
Oh the amount of times I've been beaten in Facebook Top Trumps because of "Cock Size".
That said there's around 10% of your friend list that does not fall into this category. They are the real people that matter. The people you will share private messages with. The ones who know that your profile picture is a work of fiction. The ones who you see everyday, and the ones you wish you could see more frequently.
It's comforting to know that Facebook is good for something.
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