Why Facebook is Fucking Shit!

It is. Be honest with yourself. There are very few good points to Facebook. The main problem is people. People are idiots. They do things. You can't stop them. I've tried.

Don't think for one second that I am above my own criticism. The list below describes some of the things that make Facebook the worst place on the internet. Don't think that I haven't been party to some of them. Of course I have. To quote a great man, "The idiots are everywhere, and I'm the worst one". The only difference between me and the rest of the idiots is I am self-aware, at least enough to acknowledge it.

The list is not complete. I don't think that it will ever be completed. As people we pride ourselves on evolving, pushing forward, breaking down barriers. It's this sort of admirable determination that means there will always be a new reason to dislike Facebook. Or at least the cretins that dwell within.

We're like chimps at a tea party, but we decided to bring our laptops and smartphones. Instead of talking to each other, we post a status. Someone comments, another person "likes". We don't talk to each other anymore. I bet the chimps screeching at each other would be more refined than our own behaviour too.

Suspicion

Facebook can ruin a relationship. It can ruin friendships. It can ruin your very soul. The backlog of every comment on every profile you've ever made can be traced back to you. What may have been an insignificant pressing of a "like" button to one person, can mean the end of days to another. You make a comment on someones profile, your partner sees it. Your partner will look through your phone to check what you've been sending and to who. Some of us will let go. Some of us will keep digging until we get the grim satisfaction of being correct. You did catch Chlamydia off that holiday rep in 2001. It's all there just waiting to be found by the suspicious ones.

Pity Statuses

So then there's the inevitable break up. It pops up in everyone's timeline "Fergal Fuckstick went from "being in a relationship" to "dumpsville, population: this guy". It's not just official, it's Facebook Official. What to do next? Why not invite everyone along to the pity party? There's an invitation waiting for me next time I log on, fucking fantastic! Yeah, you're sad. I am sorry, we've all been there and it's horrible. But at least we handled it with some fucking dignity. Do you honestly think all of the fake sympathy will actually make you feel better? Answer that and get back to me.

This also includes anyone who ends a status with "FML". Your £500 phone/laptop broke, your car runs out of petrol, you missed check in for your flight to Dubai. Indeed, FYL. You've got it so bad. The only people who should ever use "FML" are Death Row inmates. "Sitting in the chair. Probably going to be electrocuted soon. Probably shouldn't have gone on that murderous rampage. FML."

Vague Statuses

At least the pity party is specific. Nowt worse than some daft shite posting "Jenny Pissflap....wishes he would call me". Just fucking ring them yourself! Seriously, if you're about to write something vague but is actually aimed directly at someone don't be surprised when no-one gives an actual fuck. In fact, I'll give you a fuck and then remove it from your fucking head. You miss someone? Tell them, chances are they feel the same. You want to ask someone out? Fucking ask them. You want to confess to a violent sexual crime you committed in the past? Probably best keep that to yourself.

Complaining that "Facebook is shit nowadays"

There was never a time Facebook was good. The "craic" on Facebook is shit? Maybe your craic is fucking shit. Open your front door, take a look outside, go for a walk, say "hello" to an old codger, smoke a tab, bask in the glorious world. You may actually get some enjoyment from it. If not, the shit craic will still be there when you get back.

Advising of a Friend's Cull

For. Fucks. Fucking. Sake. I make a habit of removing anyone who posts this as a status update. Quietly remove them without anyone knowing, and post your status as "Ninja Skills".

As my bitterness seems to have very little in the way of boundaries, I may have to make this a three part piece. I also have to play 5-a-side football in 40 minutes and I can still feel Dominos pizza in my stomach.

A little positivity to end with? I hadn't spoken to Steven Bartram for years. We have known each other since we were two years old. Like an irresistible scruffy dog I would run into his grandparent's sweet shop and steal his toys. We went through our school lives together sharing what was a remarkable experience, as firm friends. He went to University, I went to work. A few years, and then a few more went by. I dare say we would've got back in touch eventually but Facebook speeded this process. So I suppose it's not all bad.

Only kidding, it's fucking shit.